oh god i know im breaking down.
this may be the first time i have ever talked about my life in a manner in which i completely disarm myself. it isnt like me to show weakness, a fissure, a crack or any inconsistency in my decisions or actions. I do believe, however, that the weight of my combined failures now hangs so heavily on my shoulders, that my foundation is crumbling for beneath my feet. the only way i can remedy this is to talk about it to a complete group of strangers, to some people who maybe dont even care…and maybe some who do.
in the summer of 2008 i lost the best friendship i have ever known. After seven years of communication, separation, dedication and salvation, my best friend and i made the terminal mistake of sharing a bed. this man will never know how he changed me. this man could finish my sentences, recite to you my full name, my birth date, the size of my shoes and where every freckle lays on my body…and i could do the same for him. this man will never know how deeply i loved him.
but.
he will never know how he broke my sprit so fully that i am still reeling. he will never know how every time i hear his name my heart drops and my face goes pale. he will never know that every person i have dated after him has been a complete and utter failure, or how when those break-ups come, how he is the very first person i want to call. this man will never know because this man has made himself a ghost. he is now a mere whisper in the darkest recesses of my mind. what is important in this writing is not the events that lead to such an outcome, but rather how the events still plague me today.
because of him, i cannot love. i cannot love with a full capacity because he has robbed me of a large portion of my heart. he sits in there still, with every beat pulling a little string to pain me.
i do not wish to take back the summer of 2008, i don’t feel like anything i experienced was a mistake, but in reality i consider the events life changing. without them, i may never know just how fully the wool was pulled over me.
perhaps now i have a complex. i may have trouble letting lovers really know me. oh god, they think they know me. all bright-eyed and happy…but the truth is, i am a broken women who lacks the tools to rightly correct herself.
how long will i suffer with this? how may hearts must be broken for mine to heal, and even when, oh god, WHEN does this healing begin. it seems ive been lost in another time where no matter the season my feelings do not change.
it was now been eight months since i saw his face. the face that carried every. single. word. i know he couldnt say.
my former boyfriends deserve a heartfelt apology from me. i am sorry. i am sorry i checked your phone, suspected cheating, pinned you for all the small things that i know now were just conjured up from my own insecurities. i am a broken person… a broken person with one hell of a good act. every single one of my former lovers deserves to know that i cared deeply for them, and one in particular should know that my cyclical nature is being corrected. not for him, but for me.
i will promise you now on this silly electric journal that i will be better. I will be stronger and i will be a fully capable lover when we see each other again.
goodnight.
