last summer i moved down to austin, tx to remove myself from the poison of my hometown and found the adventure of a lifetime. his name is brad.

brad moved down to austin not long after i did and, truthfully, we met via a meet-up site (though we tell people we met a whole foods. not a complete lie as this is where we met up.) when i saw him across the produce shelf, i knew. it was just like a movie. he smiled. i smiled. and i think we both just knew something remarkable was going to happen. i don’t remember what we talked about that night. all i remember is his smile.

we instantly became inseperable; spending the majority of our evenings at film screenings, or exploring austin. it wasn’t until november that i found out our fun had caught up with us…what followed was the most detrimental single event of my life. i can’t relay the details in this blog, but that isn’t what’s important. what’s important is that brad stood by me, supported me and loved me. every. single. step. of the way.

then, shortly after christmas, brad left for michigan to visit his family before beginning filming of a reality show he became a cast member of. when he left for l.a. for filming a month later, the production co. took away all of his communication with the outside world. 2 months went by without so much as a kiss. now and again id receive a recorded phone call from him for about 10 mins. it was a very difficult time for the both of us. while he was away, i was offered a job in dallas that i couldnt refuse. i moved back  and,sadly, that concluded my adventure in austin.

brad eventually came back to texas in march and we now maintain a long-distance relationship. it’s tough; many more hurdles than the average couple would have to clear, but i know one thing is certain. this man is worth every jump.

isn’t it funny how, sometimes, the most bizarre of situations is what will bring love to your door.

i just want some answers. i think now i’ve realized im looking in the wrong place.

tattooed on my wrist

it may never heal my sore heart

it may never speak to me the way you did

but it will instill in me

that which you couldn’t:

love.

Here I go,

Singing low,

Bye bye blackbird,

Where somebody waits for me,

Sugar’s sweet,

so is she,

Bye bye Blackbird!

No one here can love or understand me,

Oh, what hard luck stories they all hand me,

Make my bed and light the light,

I’ll be home late tonight,

Blackbird bye bye.

Pack up all my care and woe,

Here I go,

Singing low,

Bye (bye) bye (bye) blackbird.

Where somebody waits for me,

Sugar’s sweet,

so is she,

Bye (bye) bye (bye) blackbird.

No one here can love or understand me,

Oh, what hard luck stories they all hand me,

(Oh oh oh oh) Make my bed,

light that light,

I’ll be home late tonight, Blackbird…

Make my bed and light the light,

I’ll be home late tonight,

Leave you bird jet in the sky Toodle oo!

Farewell!

Bye bye!

Blackbird (Blackbird,Blackbird)

We’ll take the flying little blackbird bye!

www.AmerikasFinest.com

=D

I may be small but my heart isn’t.

I recently met the most wonderful man. I knew when I first laid eyes on him that we were going to share something. something I don’t have a word for, but it feels like a meeting of happiness, comradery, love, feist and trust.

It is so very strange. We have so much in common, it’s easier to list what we don’t share. I’m trying my very best to play it cool, but I’m quite terrible. I can’ t help it. I’ve fallen head over heels for this man, but the worst part, he’s not falling with me.

He can’t really…he’s healing from a broken heart. broken trust. broken dreams. I want to embrace him so tightly that I’ll suffocate every lingering monster in his head. I want to show him that I would never hurt him. I would never break his heart. I would never lie, or cheat, or shatter his ambitions. I want him to heal properly, however, so I will give him space to breathe and time to reflect…and hope he knows I’m right there when he’s ready.

The best I can do is be patient for him. I must admit that being his friend gives me such pleasure and the wait doesn’t feel like a wait at all.

All I want, blue sky, is to love and be loved in return.

this may be the first time i have ever talked about my life in a manner in which i completely disarm myself. it isnt like me to show weakness, a fissure, a crack or any inconsistency in my decisions or actions. I do believe, however, that the weight of my combined failures now hangs so heavily on my shoulders, that my foundation is crumbling for beneath my feet. the only way i can remedy this is to talk about it to a complete group of strangers, to some people who maybe dont even care…and maybe some who do.

in the summer of 2008 i lost the best friendship i have ever known. After seven years of communication, separation, dedication and salvation, my best friend and i made the terminal mistake of sharing a bed. this man will never know how he changed me. this man could finish my sentences, recite to you my full name, my birth date, the size of my shoes and where every freckle lays on my body…and i could do the same for him. this man will never know how deeply i loved him.

but.

he will never know how he broke my sprit so fully that i am still reeling. he will never know how every time i hear his name my heart drops and my face goes pale. he will never know that every person i have dated after him has been a complete and utter failure, or how when those break-ups come, how he is the very first person i want to call. this man will never know because this man has made himself a ghost. he is now a mere whisper in the darkest recesses of my mind. what is important in this writing is not the events that lead to such an outcome, but rather how the events still plague me today.

because of him, i cannot love. i cannot love with a full capacity because he has robbed me of a large portion of my heart. he sits in there still, with every beat pulling a little string to pain me.

i do not wish to take back the summer of 2008, i don’t feel like anything i experienced was a mistake, but in reality i consider the events life changing. without them, i may never know just how fully the wool was pulled over me.

perhaps now i have a complex. i may have trouble letting lovers really know me. oh god, they think they know me. all bright-eyed and happy…but the truth is, i am a broken women who lacks the tools to rightly correct herself.

how long will i suffer with this? how may hearts must be broken for mine to heal, and even when, oh god, WHEN does this healing begin. it seems ive been lost in another time where no matter the season my feelings do not change.

it was now been eight months since i saw his face. the face that carried every. single. word. i know he couldnt say.

my former boyfriends deserve a heartfelt apology from me. i am sorry. i am sorry i checked your phone, suspected cheating, pinned you for all the small things that i know now were just conjured up from my own insecurities. i am a broken person… a broken person with one hell of a good act. every single one of my former lovers deserves to know that i cared deeply for them, and one in particular should know that my cyclical nature is being corrected. not for him, but for me.

i will promise you now on this silly electric journal that i will be better. I will be stronger and i will be a fully capable lover when we see each other again.

goodnight.

these conclusions are only partially correct because these people have only witnessed a partial me.

for those of you who truly know me…you know that i struggle with the hows and whys of myself and, furthermore, you understand my need for a periodic solstice.

so i apologize to those who have experienced only what i will allow them to see. it isnt that i dont want to let you in…it may just be that our time together was cheated because of circumstance.

and i need to apologize to those who do know me. im leaving you again. i dont know when or for how long…but its time.